When it comes to sex, many people forget their context plays a huge role in having a fantastic sex life. Like many other things, sex starts in the brain.
When the chemicals dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are released our senses are peaking, and pleasurable sensations start to flow throughout our body. The feelings not only have a physical effect on us, but it also alters how we feel and the way we think. With our brains sending so many signals to prepare our bodies for pleasure, it is easy for us to get distracted and make sure our overall context on the inside and outside are in sync with having sex.
“Context is when your environment and mental state influences how and when your turn-ons and turn-offs are activated.” Emily Nagoski wrote in Come As You Are.
Sexual context also affects your physicality because it causes you to be turned on mentally and not physically or vice versa, which is known as “arousal and emotional non-concordance.”
The following are examples of each influenced context and how it ties with non-concordance.
Arousal Non-concordance and Mental Context:
For example, you are in the mood to have mind-blowing sex with your partner when you get home from work. The two of you have been sexting all day, and you are mentally prepared to do all of the things you talked about over text messages, but when it is finally time for you two to meet your body is not responding to your mental desires. Either you can not get wet or erect. That is arousal non-concordance.
In this situation two things typically happen, the person that is having trouble getting turned-on begins to stress, while the other partner feels slightly insecure or embarrassed for the both of them. That is when non-concordance affects your mental context.
For the couple to fix the situation, the two need to take a sensual breath together and communicate verbally. What happened in the time frame of the sexting and being in front of each other was the context got lost. Before facing each other the couple were stimulating each other minds, and to keep the sexual energy alive, they needed to continue to do that to complete the sexual experience. In this situation talking dirty, giving suggestions of where you would like to be touch, and asking your partner what would turn he/she on are ways to fix your mental context and avoid arousal non-concordance.
Emotional Non-Concordance & Environmental Context:
Same scenario but communication doesn’t stop when you are with your partner. Sex is prolonged while you complete daily tasks at home with your partner in a flirtatious manner such as eating, light cleaning, etc. Once the two of you are settled enough to have sex, it is enjoyable, but you realize none of the positions are good enough to make neither one of you reach an orgasm. You are no longer emotionally connected in the sexual act and agree to call it a night, is an example of emotional non-concordance.
As you settle down to fall asleep, you check your mental context and everything seems to be in order, but once you focus on your surroundings, you notice all of the commotion happening in the environment. TV still on in the background, the smell of cooked food lingering in the air, a pile of laundry in the corner waiting to be folded, etc., causing your five senses to be out of whack and influencing your environmental context.
In this scenario what happened is the environment took over your focus of pleasure, and although the two of you were turned on enough to engage in the sexual act neither one of you were able to orgasm.
Turning off the noise will help with environmental distractions. Once you rid your self of all the distractions happening in your brain and surroundings, it is easier to focus on the task at hand which is pleasing yourself and partner.
While context can mean different things to people. It is best to be aware of your thoughts and surroundings when you find your self-having trouble in the bedroom when health is not an issue. Today’s society is filled with so many distractions that sometimes all you need to do to have an enjoyable sexual experience is relax, and let everything flow naturally. There is enough stress in our daily lives so why add pressure to your sex life?
Check your context whether it is something happening mentally or in your environment and in due time sex will be the reason you are free from worries.